Hello World,
The past few weeks have been challenging. After going through a difficult emergency c-section with the birth of my first child, I was hoping for the best with my second child’s birth. I had a birth plan written down, hoping for a natural birth but taking into account it could end up with another c-section. All I wished for, was to hold a healthy baby in my arms, being able to bond and take care of him.
Labour was going well until the baby started to be in distress. For the second time, I knew a c-section would be necessary – I didn’t blink, even though it was bittersweet, doing the best for my baby was the priority. I woke up about 6 hours later, as if I was hit by a truck. My baby was doing really well but I was not. Something had gone wrong, something I was not expecting, recovery was expected to be long. And my plans with my newborn had all gone, and much more.
The first week at the hospital, my mind was on “survival mode” – all that mattered was recovering quickly to be able to take care of my boys. But as I entered into the second week, my mind was dragging me down, trying to take me back to that moment it went wrong: How and Why? Why me?
I tried to be as rational as possible. What was done couldn’t be undone. Over-analyzing the situation wouldn’t bring out or change anything.
I also tried to focus on the many blessings that were surrounding me, being grateful for them, but it didn’t seem to be enough – I was feeling deeply alone and sinking in a turmoil of emotions. I was to look for a way out…
Meanwhile I was told to be strong for my children because they could feel the energy. And though I knew it, it broke my heart to witness it on that morning where the pain was excruciating and I couldn’t hide it. I was crying from pain and it was time to breastfeed. After my baby had eaten, he started crying. That was too many emotions. My eyes were poring. And now my two year old, would come to my bed, take my hands and look at me straight in the eyes – I could feel all his compassion. In this intense moment, where light and darkness co-exist, I was reminded of how vulnerable we are but how powerful we can all be together.
I had all the support possible to deal with the physical pain. But I had to seek for myself how to relieve the emotional pain, this is not offered on a silver platter.
A lot of suffering comes from staying trapped into the victim mode, when we get distracted, looking for information on the outside. I had to find the strength inside, taking responsibility in overcoming the pain, empowering myself. For me, this translated into allowing myself to be vulnerable – pushing that door for someone to hold that safe space for me and get that understanding I was craving for.
But being vulnerable, authentic and able to share with those around us requires to overcome the fear of being judge. With vulnerability we stand on an edge – it is praised, yet we don’t really know how to deal with it and many beliefs have to be overcomed: We’re expected to know how to deal with feelings. And if we are grieving, there must be an expiration date to that state of mind. Grief is not linear and yet we expect to be better every day, with no set back or it means we’re not doing it right. The pressure is real. People cheer you up, trying to get around the feeling as quickly as possible. And because of this, you merely discharge the overflow.
There’s still a lot we can do to support each other. But it’s also about us daring to take that step towards others, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable in front of that person ready to hold that safe space for us.
When dealing with grief – if counting blessings and rationalising a situation doesn’t stop the emotions from flowing in – be in the present moment without judgement, in that single place where you can merge into an understanding, in awareness. At this point, welcoming your feelings, holding space for your state of mind is important. Being vulnerable, opening up, reflecting, relating by hearing others’ stories, reaching out, all this is part of a healthy process. Knowing that you’re not alone. Knowing that tomorrow is another day.
My baby is a few weeks old. I have missed a lot and he seems so big already. I know I still have a lot to deal with but I also know that this too will pass. And the elephant in the room will soon become a drop in the ocean.
Do you practice meditation, mindfulness, gratefulness? Does it help you in any way? Do you dare being vulnerable by opening up to that person ready to support you?
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