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An elephant in the room

Hello World,

The past few weeks have been challenging. After going through a difficult emergency c-section with the birth of my first child, I was hoping for the best with my second child’s birth. I had a birth plan written down, hoping for a natural birth but taking into account it could end up with another c-section. All I wished for, was to hold a healthy baby in my arms, being able to bond and take care of him.

Labour was going well until the baby started to be in distress. For the second time, I knew a c-section would be necessary – I didn’t blink, even though it was bittersweet, doing the best for my baby was the priority. I woke up about 6 hours later, as if I was hit by a truck. My baby was doing really well but I was not. Something had gone wrong, something I was not expecting, recovery was expected to be long. And my plans with my newborn had all gone, and much more.

The first week at the hospital, my mind was on “survival mode”  – all that mattered was recovering quickly to be able to take care of my boys. But as I entered into the second week, my mind was dragging me down, trying to take me back to that moment it went wrong: How and Why? Why me?

I tried to be as rational as possible. What was done couldn’t be undone. Over-analyzing the situation wouldn’t bring out or change anything.

I also tried to focus on the many blessings that were surrounding me, being grateful for them, but it didn’t seem to be enough – I was feeling deeply alone and sinking in a turmoil of emotions. I was to look for a way out…

Meanwhile I was told to be strong for my children because they could feel the energy. And though I knew it, it broke my heart to witness it on that morning where the pain was excruciating and I couldn’t hide it. I was crying from pain and it was time to breastfeed. After my baby had eaten, he started crying. That was too many emotions. My eyes were poring. And now my two year old, would come to my bed, take my hands and look at me straight in the eyes – I could feel all his compassion. In this intense moment, where light and darkness co-exist, I was reminded of how vulnerable we are but how powerful we can all be together.

I had all the support possible to deal with the physical pain. But I had to seek for myself how to relieve the emotional pain, this is not offered on a silver platter.

A lot of suffering comes from staying trapped into the victim mode, when we get distracted, looking for information on the outside. I had to find the strength inside, taking responsibility in overcoming the pain, empowering myself. For me, this translated into allowing myself to be vulnerable – pushing that door for someone to hold that safe space for me and get that understanding I was craving for.

But being vulnerable, authentic and able to share with those around us requires to overcome the fear of being judge. With vulnerability we stand on an edge – it is praised, yet we don’t really know how to deal with it and many beliefs have to be overcomed: We’re expected to know how to deal with feelings. And if we are grieving, there must be an expiration date to that state of mind. Grief is not linear and yet we expect to be better every day, with no set back or it means we’re not doing it right. The pressure is real. People cheer you up, trying to get around the feeling as quickly as possible. And because of this, you merely discharge the overflow.

There’s still a lot we can do to support each other. But it’s also about us daring to take that step towards others, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable in front of that person ready to hold that safe space for us.

When dealing with grief – if counting blessings and rationalising a situation doesn’t stop the emotions from flowing in – be in the present moment without judgement, in that single place where you can merge into an understanding, in awareness. At this point, welcoming your feelings, holding space for your state of mind is important. Being vulnerable, opening up, reflecting, relating by hearing others’ stories, reaching out, all this is part of a healthy process. Knowing that you’re not alone. Knowing that tomorrow is another day. 

My baby is a few weeks old. I have missed a lot and he seems so big already. I know I still have a lot to deal with but I also know that this too will pass. And the elephant in the room will soon become a drop in the ocean.

Do you practice meditation, mindfulness, gratefulness? Does it help you in any way? Do you dare being vulnerable by opening up to that person ready to support you?

 

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Guilt pleasures

Hello World,

What if your own guilt pleasures (cumulated) were affecting your loved ones?

Last summer my father had a heart attack to which he survived. After the scary part and the sadness that came with it, I found myself in a place of anger. Of course I was feeling guilty to be angry at him but it was there. He wasn’t really taking care of himself, too busy to pay attention to what we were seeing. And the concerns we voiced never seemed to affect him.

My way out of that negative feeling was to rationalise it. This made me realise a few things:

1. You are not accountable for what others decide to do for themselves. You can only make them aware of what you see, know or notice, but then you have to let it go. Your responsibility ends here.

2. You are responsible for your own health – only you can take the steps to optimise it. No one else is to blame when it comes to health issues that are triggered by unhealthy behaviours.

3. You obviously hold a responsibility towards anyone that relies on you, either because you take care of them or because you are a role model to them. Typically, if you are a smoker, this habit may not only harm you, but your surrounding as well. And any bad habits you have could potentially be picked up by your children. 

4. Your health issues also affect your loved ones because they care (even if they are supposed to let it go → 1.). Thus, if you are willing to protect your relatives from any burden or grief, you may want to take care of yourself. To the extent you can influence your health, you are responsible for it but also for your surrounding wellbeing. 

Again, it’s not about guilt or about depriving yourself from some indulgence that sometimes feels so right. Just beware of those attitudes that become habits from which you don’t get that initial pleasure anymore.

Have you noticed any habit you’d like to get rid of?

 

My dad is now recovering well and I am at peace. I did my part and I shared with him my thoughts. Welcoming negative feelings is another healthy behaviour. It all depends of what you do with the energy you get from them.

How do you deal with negative feelings?

 

Responsibility is a theme that should be thought of in many other aspects of life. In today’s society it is way overlooked as we talk more about rights and what we deserve.

But what other responsibilities that imply consequences for others do we have?

 

In my next post, I’ll write about grieving.

-V-

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Break free

Hello World,

Are we thinking for ourselves?

From the moment we are born, information is poured into our brain. Depending on our environment, the studies we do or our path in life, we become molded to a way of thinking, of finding solutions, etc. Only on rare occasions are we forced to put everything we’ve learnt into question.

It has become even worse as information is poured at us continuously. And search engines are made in such a way that we will always come around information somehow related to our previous searches. This makes it difficult to get an objective view in any field and leaves us in a bubble instead of enabling us to expand our knowledge.

So, do we really think for ourselves? We may believe so, but in a way we keep grabbing information in our bag of knowledge…things we learned, things we heard, things we were pushed to believe. We may as well reference to information outside of us like from books, thinkers, gurus, whatever works and matches our predisposition.

The majority of us don’t go further than that. We are creatures of habits and most of us are risk-averse. And I believe we are actually quite lazy about pushing ourselves outside of our limits. Thinking outside the box takes some drive. And being stuck in a routine is so comfortable.

Now that it’s been scientifically proven that we use a very small portion of our brain’s capacity, why aren’t we trying to connect more of those synapsis? It’s like our potential has been squeezed in a box and we accommodated to this situation where we don’t maximise our abilities. Let’s regain some freedom by keeping an open-mind, exploring, taking measured-risks (specially for the things we love) and by talking to each other. Step outside your comfort zone… You’ll probably be amazed!!

Don’t you feel like expanding yourself, just out of curiosity?

 

In my next post, I’ll write about … let me think!!

-V-

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News detox

Hello World,

Today’s world is crowded by news and usually it’s about the bad and the ugly. How do you deal with this load of information? Do you find yourself rushing for it, absorbing more than what you can take in? Do you feed your fears with it?

I have come to a point where I rarely listen to news and hardly read the articles’ content, it’s merely about the headlines to get a grasp of what’s going on.

It all began with my beloved country of birth which was taken by a destructive regime that brought the country to a depth I could never have imagined. At that time, the country wasn’t doing great but the fear and anger I felt were more linked to a sense of helplessness. Not only was I watching the destruction of the country but I could foresee the direction of a dictatorship. And there seemed to be nothing I could do to stop it, except maybe open as many eyes as possible by spreading the word about the big lie many were buying into. Back then, newspapers were publishing quite distorted facts compared to what we knew was really going on. So there I was, reading all the articles that were published, being very utopian by replying to the publishers, thinking they were blinded by the theoretical speeches of the then president. I would read, listen and seek for every piece of information, worrying about the next level of this government madness and liaising with my family to know the “truth”.
Slowly I was consumed by fear for my relatives and hopelessness for this country that had once great potential. During one of my visits, way before the country reached its darkest hours, I realised that people didn’t seem as affected as I was. They were living their day to day, dealing with the situations as they occurred, taking action where they could. Together with the overload of news, this immobility was what was dragging me down. And there it was, news had taken over my life and my emotions were affected by them. No matter how happy I was in my life, news were ruling my feelings. I had to consciously decide to put a break and set limits on how much I agreed to take in. I continued taking action where I could without letting the news consume me.

This is just an example. There are many ways news can affect us. This constant connection to the outer world, even though it comes with its share of benefits, tends to cut us from our real life. We’re overloaded with negative information that is not always a good description of how real events occurred and what’s really going on. And most of the time, there’s no real action from our side that could make any difference. News can feed our fears, give us a false sense of connection and awareness.

Be conscious of your environment and how it impacts you, know yourself and your limits, and set appropriate boundaries to keep a life well balanced. Take a break, put your phone down, observe and see how beautiful the world can be. Take a chance to experience life, observe what’s happening around you, see for yourself the hidden treasures of life. And if you want to learn something, make sure the information is accurate. And finally, if there is something you dislike, take action to remediate. A drop in the ocean is still the best you can do!

Breath in the good, breath out the bad.

Have you ever thought about how news affect your life?

 

In my next post, I’ll write about expanding our ability to think for ourselves.

-V-

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Empty calories

Hello World,

We all know about mamma’s cravings during pregnancy. Luckily I had been able to balance mines quite well until I reached the count down of the last weeks. By then I was in need of regular small amount of foods and I craved filling dense, mostly carbs, foods.
One afternoon I happened to come across a candy shop and I couldn’t resist the temptation. As I was paying for my little bag of sweets, two ladies encouraged me in that act of indulgence: “You deserve it, you look great and will lose those calories after delivery!”

That’s when I realised that my mindset had changed these last years. The potential “weight gain” from indulging never crossed my mind. I focused my meals and snacks on nutrients, on the added-value of what I was consuming and I was concerned about the little nutritional value and artificial additives of processed foods, which I was minimising. Not to underscore that during pregnancy, there’s a responsibility for that baby in the oven. I was very aware that he was getting whatever I was nourishing my body from. So to go back on the candies, I was not feeling guilt about the calories intake but the content of this “food” empty of any nutrients.

Awareness regarding food has risen tremendously in the last years. Words like whole food, organic, healthy, nutrients are all over the place. People are more and more conscious that what matters is the quality of the food, its nutrients content. But even though there is a change in trend and people are getting educated, the shift in how we think and act towards food is slow.

Society is so obsessed with body image that we keep worrying about weight gain and we keep counting the calories – doing the math to balance what went in and what burnt out.
Additionally, we’re all so busy that we forgot how to cook and don’t dedicate much time to this essential “chore”. Sometimes cutting out calories seems easier than learning how to replace certain foods by healthier tasty choices, it’s less time consuming and after all, we are creatures of habits. We forget that health is what matters, that cells are constantly renewing with what we nourish our body from. We literally are what we eat. In the end, just by eating what’s right for us, it will automatically be reflected on the outside. Implementing changes takes efforts but this kind of change is empowering, we realise how much transformation we are capable of.

And again, it’s not about feeling guilt if you sometimes indulge, limiting the intake of processed food is enough. It’s not about feeling deprived either. There are plenty of delicious healthy recipes that will give you a sense of satisfaction. Some easy tips to begin with are replacing potato chips by nuts or edamame, sweetened yogourt by plain yogourt with fresh fruits,… And to maximize the nutrient, start by eating a rainbow (usually foods that come without label), avoid the center aisles of the supermarkets and head to local farmers market to stock up on healthy whole food.

How much empty calories are in your pantry right now? How can you start limiting their consumption without feeling deprived?

 

Need help to implement changes in your food habits? Contact me for a free consultation…

 

In my next post, I’ll write about medias & news.

-V-

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Schedule your delivery

Hello World,

Hot topic here!!

While being 7 months pregnant with my second child, I was asked on several occasions, when I planned to be off. As I stopped working a week before the due date with the first one, my answer was not different: “until the end if I can”. As the question was rephrased, I quickly realized that they might not be referring to the due date. I insisted I had no other plan. And I understood why it would be useful to know. But “hello”, I am not able to foresee the future yet! I could not give a better answer.

Either they were wondering if I had plans to get some rest before the storm, since that pregnancy was more difficult than the first or…we, women, have made a mistake in our efforts to be treated as the equals of men at work?
That sounds bad, right? And don’t misinterpret me here, we should totally be treated as equals.

I am sure that many women would recognize themselves in that role of super hero we all want to be: being pregnant and not missing a day, putting extra hours and defending our jobs like tigers. And once back from maternity leave, showing that nothing has changed. And being proud of it!

But what if in our efforts to show we’re capable to maintain the rhythm – that pregnancy or maternity doesn’t have to disturb the course of our lives – we have created that very expectation?

Nowadays, C-sections are routine, planed ahead and even for non-medical reasons. Instead of being of support to one another, we’ve even come to create different groups: the warriors who went through natural birth, the “to posh to push”, etc.

But back to the point. What if the pressure to keep up at work was so strong that women had at some point given-in and decided to go for the C-section in order to fit this milestone in their busy agenda? How convenient right? But convenient for whom? Haven’t we lost rights and sight of reality, of what nature is?

Pregnancy and maternity are beautiful events in which we should take pride, not feel guilt about or in competition while dealing with that “side event”. It gives a false image of what it is. We’re human first and pregnancy, delivery and maternity are the most natural things we were made for. I understand we don’t always have the choice. But maybe we should be more attentive to the consequences of our actions. We live in a world where we are disconnected from the most natural processes. And I strongly believe that as women, we are able to show that while the natural processes take place, it doesn’t mean we’re offside. Some things can wait, life cannot. And to give in by accommodating the corporate world shouldn’t be the path to take.

Don’t forget that behind every successful woman, there’s a tribe of them who have her back! Work hard, play hard but remember to be human!

And you, have you ever come across a similar situation?

 

In my next post, I’ll write about empty calories.

-V-

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Your body is a temple

Hello mothers to be!

In today’s world, race against time makes us forget the importance of things…

Conceiving a baby goes well further than a planning and an end process. And yet, that’s how we tend to speak about it. We have forgotten that the process starts before conception and that the footprint left on our bodies goes well beyond delivery.

So, forget this idea about your body being a machine that will produce a baby. Industrial production is all about productivity at lower cost. Not really the idea you have when having a baby.

When foreseeing the conception of a baby, visualise your body as a temple. When a temple is constructed, each stone is thoughtfully set in view of the sacred that will be venerated in its core. When the temple is finally ready to receive the divine, people will connect to that other world through offerings, whispered prayers, calm and peacefulness. The temples that are no longer in use are then usually kept in shape, in honour of the past.

Similarly, you want to nourish each cell of your body as you contemplate the possibility of receiving a little human in your womb. The baby to be will be nurtured by what you built your body from. He will listen to your quiet voice as you whisper soft songs and melodies of your heart and will recognize you the day he comes to life. Then your tired body will still need your attention, because even though his mission is accomplished, you want to honour it for what it gave you.

Maternity should not be the only reason to consider your body as sacred. That very body is the only place you have to live in – the keeper of your soul. Treat it with love and respect.

How do you nurture your body?

 

Are you planning a pregnancy and need some insight on how to better help your body to be prepared for it? Contact me…

 

In my next post, I’ll write about motherhood in the workplace.

-V-

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Pillow fight criteria

Hello World!

Here comes the day for the love birds out there, the business around Valentine’s day and all sorts of reflections about relationships.

We all hear about how you cannot truly love someone if you don’t love yourself first and I’d even add, if you don’t know yourself well. That later defines what you’re looking for. Unfortunately our broken hearts often list the “dont’s” only: what you don’t want in a partner, what you don’t want to go through again and what throws you off. It sure gives you a broader spectrum of possibilities than if you were to go by that check list we all secretly have – I’m talking about that 6-pack, the man who reads in bed (that’s totally a turn on), etc. But this doesn’t really define what you’re looking for, what you need or crave – the positive aspects. And that’s focusing on what the other has to offer, not on the interactions which will bring you joy. Knowing yourself allows you to be more centred and oriented towards the real questions: why being with someone, why sharing that precious time of yours, what will make this relationship worth the ride and manageable in the long run?

As strange and as childish as it might sound, I’ve always had this pillow fight criteria. I’m a very visual person and as I was dating, if I could not picture myself having a genuine shameless pillow fight while jumping on a bed with the person, it was not a fit. And believe me, I’ve dated wonderful people but my mind would scream “it’s a no go”. Now, I might never share that moment in my relationships but the fact that I knew the person had that carefree child hearted part meant it could take us a long way. And so far, when looking back, that criteria has always been the common ground that defined my choices in partners and the type of memories I made with them. My way in ensuring that no matter what, we would have a way to making life lighter…

And you, what’s your criteria when projecting yourself in a successful relationship?

 

In my next post, I’ll write about our sacred body.

-V-

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Shake off that past and let the magic begin

Hello World!

The concepts of conscious consumerism, getting rid of the unnecessary, possessing less and being more present to our lives is now part of our every day. And many of us have already taken the path to apply part of them.

Having lived on an island that doesn’t offer much shopping options outside the essentials, I was forced to live with what I have, shop for what I really need when travelling and come to the realization that many of the possessions I had were not of use. In addition to this, moving several times helped me go through my belongings and keep what I thought were “my” essentials. My closets looked pretty tidy, I had it all figured out.

Reading a book like “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: a simple, effective way to banish clutter forever” (by Marie Kondo) was overrated. That’s what I thought until it landed on my desk.

Apart from the concepts discussed above, I did not expect that this book would raise any feelings. But while reading it, I actually realized that my sense of safety was way more rooted into the past than what I believed. To cope with life’s challenges, I had learnt to hang on to happier times from the past by collecting and keeping all kind of souvenirs – from letters to clothes or pictures. This tendency had taken a silent path throughout my life.

I knew that letting go had been one of my major struggles. Not only did I hang on to the good memories but I had trouble letting go of what were once good relationships, friendships or anything that would anchor me in that sense of safety. I had tried different approaches to “learn to let go” but that meant no safety net. In the end, I thought I was just a very sentimental person. Being rooted into the past translated as a way to keep happy points of memories immutable. In a way, that is refusing to open our eyes to the evolution of certain things. And that’s not in line with my distaste for labels or anything that keeps me free from moving forward.

Well, this book shed light on the dusted corner I had not worked on before. I resumed to apply the instructions of the KonMari Method, or at least in a way that suited me. Now my closet is half what it was and I own a single box of souvenirs containing solely items which bring me joy. I cleared up the past to make space for the new adventures to come and I can already sense the lightness around me. I feel more rooted into the present, ready to receive what the future holds for me.

And you, what are you holding on to?

 

In my next post, I’ll write about the “pillow fight criteria”.

-V-

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Let’s get this started…

Hello World!

As we’re closing January, a chapter is also closing with the full moon. New things are coming ahead and if you haven’t set your goals for 2018, it’s still time to do so…

On my side I’m stepping out there, out of my comfort zone, with my first post on the web… I started to write but overwhelmed by this first milestone, I got that blank page the writers talk about…. What topic would I write about? Will I be worthy reading? English isn’t even my mother tongue!!

In the end, I figured that it doesn’t really matter…

  1. I first started this journey for myself, for a better me – which then shifted towards my drop into the ocean – for a better world…not being utopian here…that world will only change if you begin to be the best version of yourself. This ride has taken me to become a Health Coach. And by sharing my experiences and ways to overcome, to improve, to clarify, to simplify the small and bigger things of life…I hope a ripple effect will happen around me.
  2. There comes a time where you have to jump ahead or you know you’ll get stuck – same routine, no evolution, no growth. You’ve paved the road and you know it’s now fairly safe…a quick look back…and go. Feel the fresh air in your hair?

The journey will be long as there is no “there”, but I’m already grateful for the path taken, for the accomplishments, for the people along the way. And so maybe, after all, I have it, being grateful is a great topic to start with, a perfect topic to close January’s chapter by saying ‘thank you’ and going forward…

And you, what are you grateful for?
How will you step out from your comfort zone this year?

 

In my next post, I’ll write about making space to free yourself for new adventures…

-V-